i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
