I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think my moral compass just broke
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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