You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
