Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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