You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
