When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
