we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
