I looked at my own cervix.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
