Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
