I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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