this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
