I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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