I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
