you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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