dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
