Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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