Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
