You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We have started to decorate penises.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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