we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
