I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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