Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
