you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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