i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
