Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
