did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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