My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
