Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
