apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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