I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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