God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
