Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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