Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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