im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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