I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
