One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I look better un-naked...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
