Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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