I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
