I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
