2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize