Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
