I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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