What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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