the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
