he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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