I just pynch a tree in the face
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
