He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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