HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
