Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
