The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
