Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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