Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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