so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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