My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
