Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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