Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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