All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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