I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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