I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
